You may experience intrusive thoughts or fantasies about the person. Intimacy will also help a great deal. Ive Never Been Attracted to My Wife; Shall We Divorce? When a husband sacrifices for his wife and family, he is doing the right thing, thats what a man does. I am not experiencing psychological damage in the process. I am sorry that you have gone through this hardship and unfairness. LSS: Was forced into a marriage by my overly traditional Indian family to a boy of their choosing, I'm not attracted to any aspect of him, we have absolutely no conversations, live with his parents, and I was at the brink of depression, before I met up with, a college crush. Most couples who go through an arranged marriage don't have the time necessary to get to know one another before exchanging vows. Figure Out The "Why" Before you can rekindle the flame, it's important to figure out what caused it to go out in the first place. Answer: Thank you for your question. In response, offer a heartfelt apology, even if your partner enabled the dynamic. On seeing an. I have been going through depression since I felt like I got pressured in getting married. Everything about the day may come at you in surprise, which creates an unsettling experience for those involved. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She has a good heart but she not attractive. In an arranged marriage, some families may not allow the bride, the groom, or both parties to have any say in what happens. Your wife deserves a husband who is attracted to her and loves her, and you deserve a wife who loves and is attracted to you. 11. I like the part about it reducing the choices available for life partnerships. Hello, I am using a throwaway for this since this topic is never really discussed on here and is potentially sensitive. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. He is to love her and sacrifice for her. He's sympathetic and has offered all his help, he's offered me a live in relationship, if I choose to leave my husband. Thats what I try to do. The Good Couples who had a traditional Desi arranged marriage from the '70s and '80s where their families were the decision makers were asked the question 'did you consider looks?' didn't seem to garner much of a real response. The amount of time it takes someone to develop feelings through traditional courtship in the wealthier nations is similar to the time required for an arranged couple to get to know one another. In addition to this, did you prepare for marriage? Thats not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and its not your parents fault for loving him. I saw and liked those pictures and agreed. In others, it never develops. Choose a Man Who Does THIS. You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I dont even know where to begin. Then again, 2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.. Is it Haram to find someone other than your spouse attractive? 1tea_dramalovers on Instagram: "Stay tuned tonight 43-45 End The Sword Theyre forced to work together to make things work. While you may not find her attractive, other men may. No one says it is easy. She has a good heart but she not attractive. What has made you become less attracted to your partner? I dont feel like she is the result of my search. That requires unrelenting commitment and forgiveness and often not getting your way like you could when you were single. Me-I sort of agree with her here, a little. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. I just tried to learn all I could about dating and marriage while I was single, looking and waiting. Looking forward to reading Keir's story! Owning up to your mistakes is one of the most romantic things you can do for your wife. The author said that the process of courtship creates more possibilities that a good match will be found. Due to this, many aspects of my daily life have been affected. What does the Quar'an say about having a Girl Friend? Not of the Essence But be careful. The situation you described appears that she and her parents already know that there is no love in this marriage from your side. Good relationships involve good sex, according to Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz. How important is that spark when choosing a partner? The answer may If you are a man that is responsible enough to care for a woman and provide her with a home and children, are you not man enough to insist on looking at her once? Counseling on an ongoing basis can help to sort out your feelings and reduce the stress you are experiencing. Marriage is not a prison. There is nothing wrong with that. I dont want to be legalistic about how old someone has to be in order to get married. My blog is like Google for your love life.Just type your one-line question into the search box below to see my answer. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. You already look bad. Please tell me what you suggest. Marriage is not a prison. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Privacy Policy. Answer (1 of 9): Why should you? Brother, this is your decision as well as your wifes. I had never liked my husband physically, he is not handsome at all. Unhappy In An Arranged Marriage - MentalHelp.net And the answer is no. Do you constantly discover yourself reeling from another , If youve ever been in a bad relationship, what Im about to share is going to make total sense. After doing the last video, I gained a little respect for the idea of an arranged marriage. I needed to break this topic into two videos-one today with the cons and a previous one covered the pros. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I like the part about it reducing the choices available for life partnerships. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. It is my choice to do what I can to make my Aizas life better and I believe thats what God wants me to do. If meaningful coping mechanisms are not introduced, unhappy people can suffer from anxiety, stress, and depression at higher rates. Brother, you seem to be depressed. https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-i-look-at-the-hair-of-woman-before-deciding-to-marry-her/. It is like some people want to reduce their choices available by either being too picky or by assuming the worst. 6. If it is not resolved and you divorce, what will become of the children? Thats what I try to do. I wanted to but didnt know anyone that knew me. You get to explore partnership and personality types to see what you prefer and what you do not. 365 likes, 6 comments - @bookspaced on Instagram: "The Ruthless Groom by @monicamurphyauthor is now LIVE! She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family. It eliminates love from the equation.Although there are numerous arranged marriages which involve love, emotions are not a priority when this relationship is first arranged. Every morning I wake up with feeling of regret of my decision, thinking hours and hours long alone about this issue. It limits the choice of a life partner.This negative component of arranged marriages applies to migrant minority ethnic populations. These arranged marriage pros and cons are just key points to consider. You may also point out that you have tried to resolve this situation in many ways but to go on in a marriage that you do not want will only hurt her further, as well as you, the families, and any future children you might have. It forces you to live with a stranger. And has been urging me to make up my mind, as he feels it's wrong to continue this way, even though i don't have a shred of guilt i agree with him. It increases the risks of mental health issues.With an arranged marriage, there is the possibility that individual preferences will be sacrificed for the greater good of everyone else involved. Want a Great Relationship? Im not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. I didn't say sexual relations. Why cant I love her naturally like she deserves to be? Is my Salaat valid no matter how I concentrate on my Salaat, the noise of the song goes into my ear. Heres what he says about marrying someone you are not attracted to. Get a Divorce, move out of my husband's house, lose my image in society, have my family cut ties with me, and move in with a lover who's not interested in marriage at the moment, but is a far better partner than my husband. She sends me photos on occasions and I just dont find her attractive in any way. In your conversations, neither one of you have an answer to this, leaving you both feeling sad and unsure what to do next to fix things between you. It is an established sunnah to see the girl before marriage for this very reason. Perhaps this is something you may wish to keep for yourself because as Muslims, we do not want to hurt others unnecessarily. 8. In the last upload I covered 7 pros to an arranged marriage, today are 11 cons, that come from an article I will link for you in the description box. Brother, given your current issues with not loving your wife and not being attracted to her I would kindly advice putting off having a child at this time. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Navigating the complexities of human relationships simplified with expert advice, psychological insights, and actionable tips. We use cookies on IslamQA to measure visitor stats. What Is the Meaning Of Whatever Believers Deem Good, Is Good With God? The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". As this was an, 3. we exchanged ph numbers. -I dont necessarily follow the author here. Many families will interfere in the marriage at multiple levels as a proactive way to prevent the blaming process from starting in the first place. People do it all the time. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. The reason people dont love each other? Even her parents keep telling her that I will leave her after 2-3 years of marriage and, Please, discuss your concerns with your parents. Every time I tried to appease her to make situation better, we sat and talked but she always questions me: why do you need to try hard, why it cant come naturally?. Whether I like it or not, it is my responsibility to ask God to help me make this marriage work, even if it were to be an arranged marriage. Maybe they dont realize it but they have been joined together by God himself, whether they are a Christian of not. I personally think people generally get attracted to looks then later personality after living with a partner. By arranging a marriage as quickly as possible, the monetary obligations are reduced, which creates less food insecurity for everyone in the household. It seems she is also trying to get validation regarding her marital status. A womans beauty shines through from many different things and I believe this girls heart might win you over. To be very honest, I don't feel guilty, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate, it's the truth and i don't feel the need to lie to strangers. Romance is dead You must be looking for an answer to the question - "What are the signs my wife is not attracted to me?" The answer is in the very first point. Our intention of this marriage was not to last and not to make it public, I am happily married to a pious wife. While society expects you to consummate the marriage on the wedding night, some couples are more liberal about such notions. A lazy Sunday afternoon and the two of you baking cookies together and spending some quality time is one of the most romantic things you can do for your wife. He is to love her and sacrifice for her. Here are five steps to restoring attraction in your relationship. I ask Allah to give you every success and goodness and a marriage filled with iman, taqwa, and blessings. You never want to blame anyone else for your marriage besides the two of you. Counseling on an ongoing basis can help to sort out your feelings and reduce the stress you are experiencing. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Answer: Assalamu alaykum, Thank you for your question. Dating is much more difficult these days for men of all ages. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. i believe in strong sex life is very important for marriage and i am always horny. Is Sexual Attraction Essential for Marriage? | Desiring God Podcast Episdode 133: Is it Wrong to Serve Your Wife? Did you take a course? Meet her and date with her before marriage to make a decision. When she looks at other couples and sees that there is a lot missing in her own marriage, she is correct! We stopped cooking together, watching TV together and even sunbathing in the backyard - something we used to love doing together in the summers.". Bonobology.com - Everything on Couples, Marriages, Relationships, Affairs I am sorry if I am being shallow on this subject. Is Arranged marrige the only way to get married? I dont have an answer but still I try. 279 likes, 3 comments - @1tea_dramalovers on Instagram: "Stay tuned tonight 43-45 End The Sword and The Brocade / / Jin Xin Si Yu Also Known ." i don't think i will ever find girl like her. -Id like to think that two people in an arranged marriage would try hard to stay together and have a great marriage. Question: I am a 24-year-old British man who got married 4 months ago in Bangladesh. Evan Marc Katz Dating Coach for Smart Successful Women. Brother, if you share that you do not love her it may hurt her. 3. 11 Toxic Signs There's No Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage If you are a man that is responsible enough to care for a woman and provide her with a home and children, are you not man enough to insist on looking at her once? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. In these situations, the affected parties may be entering a relationship that lacks independence. Yes, Noemi is attracted to him, but she couldn't give in; she didn't want to put her heart on the line. You both deserve to be happy and loved. It increases the risk of child marriage.When children are married, especially younger than the age of 12, then they are not prepared for the idea of free choice. Please see these links about the sunnah of seeing a girl before marriage and why it was encouraged by the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace: However, now your wife seems to know there is no attraction or connection and you cannot force one within yourself. Having a choice in who to marry is a great thing but today there seems to be many excuses for not getting married. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. I'm not attracted to my husband: Marriage without chemistry? These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. 81 88 88 comments Top Add a Comment heartgonefm 6 mo. Having children will not resolve this issue, it will only make it bigger. There is no doubt that God created men and women to be physically attracted to one another. If the marriage doesnt work, its the parents or grandparents to blame instead of the married couple. That couple has to work things out regardless of how their marriage was contracted. Allah knows best. Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. We don't judge the way you love, we're here to help you love . Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, Im not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Me-Id like to think that parents involving their children in an arranged marriage have the common sense to think through these things first. After marriage you can't simply reject her simply because she is not attractive. You and your wife need to resolve this issue prior to having children. I'm Not Attracted To My Wife Anymore And I'm Ashamed To Say Why - YourTango Its more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow. I dont miss dating, because marriage is better! 18 Arranged Marriage Pros and Cons - ConnectUS Marriage Advice When Husband Not Attracted to Wife - Guy Stuff Counseling Our Favorite Animals at the Omaha Zoo Fi-Am Marriage, Concerns We Had About Our Fil-Am Marriage, Things We Argued About Early In Our Marriage. I feel its my parents stupidity that led me to this because they didnt even let me see the girl. Isnt that what you want? The only exception to that statement would involve forced child marriages, which are exceptionally condemned by the international community. Heartbreak I'm Not Attracted To My Wife Anymore (And I'm Ashamed To Say Why) I'm sitting here trying to work out the best way to put this because there is no right way. 10 Ukraine. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. That is an excellent rate but the Bible wants all marriages to last. Both people should need to be married if they are part of an arranged marriage. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. With an arranged marriage, there is no responsibility required by either party. Does this make You a Simp? People aren't forced to marry someone they're not attracted to. Attractiveness is a personal construct. should i say yes or skip this one? In my mind, if a man and a woman want to give and receive love, they dont need to know every cotton-picking thing about each other, they just need to start doing it. To establish an alliance, an agreement needs to be made, an arranged marriage will unite two powerful mafia families: the Italians and the Irish. Selfishness has no place in marriage. She compares with other couples and thinks there is no compatibility. well she is my father colleague's daughter. As you have been trying to create attraction to her and it has failed, I will address your concerns as you have outlined them: 1. Do you know your rights and obligations? married people what do u think i should do ? You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose. Check it out and subscribe, I have many videos available on Love Beyond The Sea. I'm Not Attracted to My Wife, Help! | About Islam 1. 9. Cookie Notice You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. i am very confused. Brother, given your current issues with not loving your wife and not being attracted to her I would kindly advice putting off having a child at this time. We sleep in the same bed but he's never attempted to even put an arm around me. Can I change my mindset? Basically, an arranged marriage is not primarily about fulfilling the needs of any particular spouse, but rather about asserting the primacy of the family (both the extended family that arranges the marriage in the first place, and the family that is created via the arranged marriage) over the needs of any particular participant. Do Looks Matter in a Desi Arranged Marriage? | DESIblitz 10 Modern Countries Where Child Marriage Still Occurs The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". It is my choice to do what I can to make my Aizas life better and I believe thats what God wants me to do. I dont like some of his facial features. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. And for god sakes, Maya, dont repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay? Naturally, there are things that drew you to him: a strong emotional connection, a best friendship, similar goals, and values. I know a man can fall for a woman in two seconds, but that isnt love. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. It forces you to live with a stranger. How to tell if your wife is not attracted to you? Stop claiming that youre not courageous enough to leave him. https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-get-married-if-i-cant-look-at-the-opposite-sex/, https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-i-look-at-the-hair-of-woman-before-deciding-to-marry-her/, https://seekersguidance.org/courses/40-hadiths-on-successful-marriage/, Making dua to be blessed with male children. Perhaps she already knows you are not attracted to her, yet she cannot accept this. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. As for friends I have none that would be willing to support me (financially). They also have in-person classes in Canada. 5. Can u please tell me a dua to cancel my marriage, i am getting forced to get married? I tried a lot not to think about it. As it is not her fault, it is not your fault either. Me-There is a vast difference between a man being in control and being the leader. i am not bradley cooper either but i am definitely better looking than her. 2. but she is not that good looking girl. I am sorry that you have gone through this hardship and unfairness. It is an established sunnah to see the girl before marriage for this very reason. If it is not resolved and you divorce, what will become of the children? Is it wrong if I reject a girl in an arranged marriage if I am not The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". Most of the marital expectations develop in the long run as a part of the process. I have been married for 5 months now. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. It appears that both of you are trying to make sense of it all and trying to make it work, despite major incompatibility issues. The author said that the process of courtship creates more possibilities that a good match will be found. thing is my parents want to set up arranged marriage to us. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. Perhaps she thinks you are cheating on her, thus your disinterest in her. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. Up until 1980, the Sikh families of Canada practiced arranged marriages for this very reason. 4. Brother, you are not being selfish. It allows men to have more control than women typically. She sends me photos on occasions and I just dont find her attractive in any way. See my affiliate link for Christian Filipina and see videos in my playlist called Christian Filipina. Attraction is a very personal thing. In arranged marriages, considering the partners don't know each other, there are fewer expectations from each other. I would like to move out and live on my own but I don't have the means to do so, I have finished college but have zero work experience and don't think i can get a job that would be able to pay my rent. https://seekersguidance.org/courses/40-hadiths-on-successful-marriage/. As it is not her fault, it is not your fault either. As you may know, I got married at 53 and maybe to some of you that doesnt seem that old, but after being alone for 30 years I felt like I was about 80. here is the dilemma. You Communicate With 'Barbed Jokes'. Arranged Marriage to Someone I am not Attracted to, I got married 3-4 yrs ago, when I was a non-muslim. My wife & I had an arranged . If not, then you must learn them now. I have to lead, I have to lead in such a way she will want to follow me. As mentioned previously, the attraction is an important component in a marriage. You still see them in Hasidic Jew populations. Love is not always easy. It increases the risk of child marriage. 6. What do you think? Instead of marrying your best friend, youre getting involved in a contract with a complete stranger. I reconcile and try to understand every time the fact that beauty is temporary and that it will fade with time, but for now, I easily get attracted to beauty which is affecting my behavior towards her. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. She asks you these questions because she is probably aware that you are not attracted nor interested in her from a romantic standpoint. Heres the thing about falling in love and not liking your partner-as the husband, it is up to you to earn her respect, to make her come to like you, to have feelings for you. Let us look at why arranged marriages are better: 1. If you dont, please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea. Sadly now, you and your wife must suffer. Isnt that what you want? How common is it to never love your spouse in arranged marriages but she is not that good looking girl. Although not practiced in Europe or North America, the poverty in Eastern Asia, Latin America, and Sub-Saharan Africa force families into a choice between school or a merging of their families for pure survival. It eliminates the dating phase of life.There is something to be said of putting yourself out there for someone to see if you and they are compatible with one another. All rights reserved. The vast majority of Indians still have arranged marriages. It limits the choice of a life partner. Unless, of course, you decide that you cant. It does not belong to the essence of marriage. My husband doesn't love me or doesn't know how to show it, and it's not like i haven't made an effort to talk to him, our honeymoon was basically an excuse to fuck me and consummate the marriage, since then we've not spent any time together, whenever i try to talk to him he's busy or too tired and never has time for me. 1. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. If an attraction does not grow, it can cause issues as you are experiencing now. I married him (knowing I wasn't attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. It is allowed in Islam for incompatibility as long as you tried to save the marriage and it is a last resort. Its an online learning platform overseen by Sheikh Faraz Rabbani. One day when I took her on a trip, she was looking upset, and when I asked her why she asked me to leave her. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. All rights reserved. That occurs because the man is seen as being the leader of the family and household. Did you take a course? Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani. You dont need to go out with twenty women to feel like you have narrowed it all down and made a good choice. Bob is the foremost authority on marrying a filipina with a growing number of videos on his Youtube channel Love Beyond The Sea. Its too late. Too many people make it the most important thing, but if you find yourself actively turned off by your guy, your relationship may struggle. You married a man who wants affection, you wont give it to him, and hes upset. Nevertheless, there are so many people in a position to date someone but are found wanting. Perhaps they can offer some useful tips to help you both. A decision to ignore oneself for the good of others creates a higher risk for psychological damage over time. Dating in person can present tremendously tempting sexual situations, dating in a very long-distance fashion helps avoid that and focuses on practical aspects of a relationship.
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